Redefining the Meaning of "Me"
I'm not sure how people do it--define themselves in a short, concise description. You know--like in those personal ads or short personal bios? They often write things like: fun-loving, attractive, compassionate...seeking same. Or they list their credentials and brag about professional success. It's not easy summarizing your whole persona in under 100 words!
And then there's the matter of the person we are NOW as opposed to the person we were just a few years ago. Most of us grow and change...a lot. Many of us wouldn't even recognize ourselves if our younger personalities met our more mature personalities. Even if we did, we probably wouldn't like each other very much. We would probably travel in completely different social circles, have very different tastes in fashion and style, and vehemently disagree with each other on almost every major life issue. The younger self would view the older self as "over the hill". The older self would view the younger self as naive and immature. And so begins the saga of coming to terms with our past selves and our present selves--as well as our future selves.
The Young Me---After spending some time looking at my old pictures, reading my old journals, and perusing my old scrapbooks, I am once again getting to know my younger self. She was kind of cute, but she was also one insecure chick. She was always worried about what other people thought about her. Even though she looked really good--God, what a figure!--she never felt beautiful. She always thought other girls were prettier and longed to be like them. Oh, if she only knew how her older self would CRAVE her looks and body! Maybe she would have realized that it would take more and more work to look good as she aged, and that the beauty of youth was a true blessing. She never really got that--she always felt less attractive than she was--and less confident about who she was, as well.
This lack of confidence spilled over in many areas, but none so much as in the dating arena. She had her first kiss at 14. Her first steady boyfriend in 9th grade. A few dates in 10th grade. But she always envied the girls who had many dates or always seemed to have boyfriends. When a boy persistently persued her in 11th grade, she was smitten. He was her boyfriend for the remainder of her high school years. She talked to her girlfriends less and less as she spent more and more time with her "high school sweetheart." When graduation came, this young couple began to discuss their future together.
Instead of setting big career goals and making college plans, she began making wedding plans. All she really cared about was getting married and starting a family. Soon, her dreams came true and she was a young married woman. Both she and her husband decided to complete their college degrees before starting a family. As soon as they both had degrees in hand, the baby-making began. There were a few early career explorations for her, but once she became pregnant, it was all about motherhood.
She LOVED being a mother to her two children--and she loved being a stay-at-home mother, too. She was as docile and domestic as she could be. She had no personal goals outside of being the best wife and mother possible. And she was happy. Really!
The More Mature Me--I have no regrets when looking back at my younger self--I have truly enjoyed my life so far. However, I do sometimes want to "talk some sense" into the young girl who wanted to grow up so fast. I want to ask her why she was in such a hurry! Why so young?! Couldn't she have pursued some personal goals before settling into this domestic life? Does she know about the adult life she missed out on while rushing into marriage and motherhood? Wouldn't it have been nice to experience true freedom and autonomy for a few years before compromising personal goals in favor of family goals? I would say, "Slow down, take it easy!"
So now I am entering midlife and getting closer to the end of my career of motherhood. And all I can think about now is reclaiming that freedom that I missed out on long ago. In some ways, I feel like a teenager again with a lot of opportunities available to me in the future. But I am definitely wiser and more confident than my younger self. Now my personal goals are finally getting my attention. I am no longer ignoring myself the way I used to do. For years, I really disappeared into my role as a mother, and I completely forgot about the woman inside. I only saw things from a mother's perspective, not a woman's perspective. But not anymore!
I spent some time looking at the woman I used to be, the woman I currently am, and the woman I hope to be one day. These women are truly three different people! And if I add the woman I would like to be as I near the end of my life, that would make four! Whether we call it life stages or simply consecutive lives, none of the stages resemble each other in any way. And the girl/woman I am in each stage is uniquely designed to fit a particular life stage. None of them would be happy in a different stage--they HAVE to change to fit the environment and circumstances. They all have to adapt their inner persona to match their surroundings.
The Future Me--Now that I have a grasp on who I want to be in my next life stage, I have set new personal goals for myself. Attending to these personal goals doesn't mean I am going to ignore my past goals, especially as a mother. It just means that I am no longer going to ignore my needs, my desires, my dreams. My son and daughter will get as much attention as they need in preparation for their adulthood. I won't be ignoring them in favor of myself. I will find ways to develop personal goals while helping them develop their own goals for themselves. It is kind of exciting to think that we are all preparing to fly away and make our own lives one day soon. They are approaching young adulthood with their whole lives ahead of them. I am approaching middle adulthood with MY whole life ahead of me. They may have a longer time frame to work with, but the excitement about the future, the feeling that we can do anything that we want to do--that transcends our chronological ages. We are all equally excited!
My new personal goals focus on both my inner self and my outer self, as well as the environment around me. I must admit a bit of vanity is included in some of these new goals. Truth is--I like the way my younger self looked, but something happened to her along the way. She gained weight, became "frumpy", and pretty much "let herself go". I hate to see pictures of myself during this stage! I took lots of great pictures of my beautiful children growing up, but I have very few pictures of myself during this stage. When I do come across one, I cringe and feel embarrassed. How could I have gone out of the house looking like that?! That can't be the same person as the pretty young girl in an older picture, can it? Oh my gosh--it is!! Yuck!
So some of my goals include things like: weight loss, hair and makeup changes, manicures/pedicures/spa treatments, and wardrobe changes. Other goals are more important, like better health care and making long-overdue doctor's appointments. And now I have true career goals--I am almost finished with graduate school and will soon have a masters degree in my new profession. I really look forward to building a new resume full of new work experiences. I have even planned goals to help me develop my inner self--spiritual goals, goals related to asserting myself as a feminist, and goals to help me build a strong self confidence. And finally, I have set goals regarding my lifestyle and environment--these include developing new interests and hobbies, developing an active social life, and changing my environment from a rural/suburban one to a more urban one. I have created a notebook with sections for each goal--I broke down the steps needed to accomplish each goal--and I am journaling about my progress as I strive to obtain each specific goal. It may seem a bit anal retentive, but this way I am taking myself seriously and I am really looking at these goals as serious business. I have every intention of reaching my new personal goals. I am motivated!
So, "me" now is very different from "me" then--and I hope to be a different "me" in the future. I like the idea of drastic changes--I find it very exciting! Some people feel comfortable with keeping things "status quo"--they fear change. Not me! I get very bored when things stay the same for too long. I just have to shake things up and get things moving when they get too stagnate. One day, I discovered that my life, and the current "me" had indeed stagnated--and I felt sick about it. So now I am in the process of shaking things up! This transformation, or metamorphosis, is not easy. It takes time and will not happen overnight. But the day I come out of my cocoon and spread my beautiful butterfly wings--WOW, what a day that will be! My son and daughter are deep into adolescence, so they are also experiencing a major metamorphosis. I can't wait to see the wonderful adults they become one day! And when we all are ready, we will all fly away, in our own directions, on our beautiful butterfly wings! :)
And then there's the matter of the person we are NOW as opposed to the person we were just a few years ago. Most of us grow and change...a lot. Many of us wouldn't even recognize ourselves if our younger personalities met our more mature personalities. Even if we did, we probably wouldn't like each other very much. We would probably travel in completely different social circles, have very different tastes in fashion and style, and vehemently disagree with each other on almost every major life issue. The younger self would view the older self as "over the hill". The older self would view the younger self as naive and immature. And so begins the saga of coming to terms with our past selves and our present selves--as well as our future selves.
The Young Me---After spending some time looking at my old pictures, reading my old journals, and perusing my old scrapbooks, I am once again getting to know my younger self. She was kind of cute, but she was also one insecure chick. She was always worried about what other people thought about her. Even though she looked really good--God, what a figure!--she never felt beautiful. She always thought other girls were prettier and longed to be like them. Oh, if she only knew how her older self would CRAVE her looks and body! Maybe she would have realized that it would take more and more work to look good as she aged, and that the beauty of youth was a true blessing. She never really got that--she always felt less attractive than she was--and less confident about who she was, as well.
This lack of confidence spilled over in many areas, but none so much as in the dating arena. She had her first kiss at 14. Her first steady boyfriend in 9th grade. A few dates in 10th grade. But she always envied the girls who had many dates or always seemed to have boyfriends. When a boy persistently persued her in 11th grade, she was smitten. He was her boyfriend for the remainder of her high school years. She talked to her girlfriends less and less as she spent more and more time with her "high school sweetheart." When graduation came, this young couple began to discuss their future together.
Instead of setting big career goals and making college plans, she began making wedding plans. All she really cared about was getting married and starting a family. Soon, her dreams came true and she was a young married woman. Both she and her husband decided to complete their college degrees before starting a family. As soon as they both had degrees in hand, the baby-making began. There were a few early career explorations for her, but once she became pregnant, it was all about motherhood.
She LOVED being a mother to her two children--and she loved being a stay-at-home mother, too. She was as docile and domestic as she could be. She had no personal goals outside of being the best wife and mother possible. And she was happy. Really!
The More Mature Me--I have no regrets when looking back at my younger self--I have truly enjoyed my life so far. However, I do sometimes want to "talk some sense" into the young girl who wanted to grow up so fast. I want to ask her why she was in such a hurry! Why so young?! Couldn't she have pursued some personal goals before settling into this domestic life? Does she know about the adult life she missed out on while rushing into marriage and motherhood? Wouldn't it have been nice to experience true freedom and autonomy for a few years before compromising personal goals in favor of family goals? I would say, "Slow down, take it easy!"
So now I am entering midlife and getting closer to the end of my career of motherhood. And all I can think about now is reclaiming that freedom that I missed out on long ago. In some ways, I feel like a teenager again with a lot of opportunities available to me in the future. But I am definitely wiser and more confident than my younger self. Now my personal goals are finally getting my attention. I am no longer ignoring myself the way I used to do. For years, I really disappeared into my role as a mother, and I completely forgot about the woman inside. I only saw things from a mother's perspective, not a woman's perspective. But not anymore!
I spent some time looking at the woman I used to be, the woman I currently am, and the woman I hope to be one day. These women are truly three different people! And if I add the woman I would like to be as I near the end of my life, that would make four! Whether we call it life stages or simply consecutive lives, none of the stages resemble each other in any way. And the girl/woman I am in each stage is uniquely designed to fit a particular life stage. None of them would be happy in a different stage--they HAVE to change to fit the environment and circumstances. They all have to adapt their inner persona to match their surroundings.
The Future Me--Now that I have a grasp on who I want to be in my next life stage, I have set new personal goals for myself. Attending to these personal goals doesn't mean I am going to ignore my past goals, especially as a mother. It just means that I am no longer going to ignore my needs, my desires, my dreams. My son and daughter will get as much attention as they need in preparation for their adulthood. I won't be ignoring them in favor of myself. I will find ways to develop personal goals while helping them develop their own goals for themselves. It is kind of exciting to think that we are all preparing to fly away and make our own lives one day soon. They are approaching young adulthood with their whole lives ahead of them. I am approaching middle adulthood with MY whole life ahead of me. They may have a longer time frame to work with, but the excitement about the future, the feeling that we can do anything that we want to do--that transcends our chronological ages. We are all equally excited!
My new personal goals focus on both my inner self and my outer self, as well as the environment around me. I must admit a bit of vanity is included in some of these new goals. Truth is--I like the way my younger self looked, but something happened to her along the way. She gained weight, became "frumpy", and pretty much "let herself go". I hate to see pictures of myself during this stage! I took lots of great pictures of my beautiful children growing up, but I have very few pictures of myself during this stage. When I do come across one, I cringe and feel embarrassed. How could I have gone out of the house looking like that?! That can't be the same person as the pretty young girl in an older picture, can it? Oh my gosh--it is!! Yuck!
So some of my goals include things like: weight loss, hair and makeup changes, manicures/pedicures/spa treatments, and wardrobe changes. Other goals are more important, like better health care and making long-overdue doctor's appointments. And now I have true career goals--I am almost finished with graduate school and will soon have a masters degree in my new profession. I really look forward to building a new resume full of new work experiences. I have even planned goals to help me develop my inner self--spiritual goals, goals related to asserting myself as a feminist, and goals to help me build a strong self confidence. And finally, I have set goals regarding my lifestyle and environment--these include developing new interests and hobbies, developing an active social life, and changing my environment from a rural/suburban one to a more urban one. I have created a notebook with sections for each goal--I broke down the steps needed to accomplish each goal--and I am journaling about my progress as I strive to obtain each specific goal. It may seem a bit anal retentive, but this way I am taking myself seriously and I am really looking at these goals as serious business. I have every intention of reaching my new personal goals. I am motivated!
So, "me" now is very different from "me" then--and I hope to be a different "me" in the future. I like the idea of drastic changes--I find it very exciting! Some people feel comfortable with keeping things "status quo"--they fear change. Not me! I get very bored when things stay the same for too long. I just have to shake things up and get things moving when they get too stagnate. One day, I discovered that my life, and the current "me" had indeed stagnated--and I felt sick about it. So now I am in the process of shaking things up! This transformation, or metamorphosis, is not easy. It takes time and will not happen overnight. But the day I come out of my cocoon and spread my beautiful butterfly wings--WOW, what a day that will be! My son and daughter are deep into adolescence, so they are also experiencing a major metamorphosis. I can't wait to see the wonderful adults they become one day! And when we all are ready, we will all fly away, in our own directions, on our beautiful butterfly wings! :)
posted by Kate Ryan @ 4:39 AM
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