52 Weeks: Week 52

Life is precious...and it is sometimes too short. As I approach my 41st birthday, I had the sad experience of attending the funeral of one of my teenage son's friends. He was only 17 years old, and he died in a terrible car accident. I knew his mother, and my heart aches for her...is there any greater pain than losing a child?

As we reflected on our own mortality, many thoughts crossed my mind. Sometimes I think that I have a long life ahead of me with plenty of time to do many wonderful things. I think of my 91 year old grandmother and feel encouraged about the longevity of life. Then something like this happens...and I think, life is SO short...I better do what I want to do NOW...post haste...seize the day...don't wait another minute.

Many thoughts are swirling through my mind right now. The most dominate thoughts are related to the shared experience of motherhood and how devastating it would be to lose a child at such a young age. I hugged my son and daughter tightly as we discussed our feelings. We haven't gotten past the "whys" of it all--it still seems SO unfair. As I watched my teens go about their busy lives the past few days, I focused intently on each and every detail with the thought that another mother will NEVER watch those things again with her son. I imagined what my life would be like in her shoes...I thought about all of the little things that would cease to occur if they were gone. Times like this make you truly appreciate the time you have with loved ones. Still, I can't help but feel somehow guilty as I watched my son and daughter do what her son cannot--why that family and not ours? I prayed that my family would stay safe, but I am sure she did, too. Oh, the unfairness of it all!!

I also have been focusing on the idea of an "average life span." Years ago, people my age were nearing the end of their lives because life spans were short. Now, there are more people living to 100 and beyond than ever before. I feel young and at an early point in my life span...I assume I will have at least 40 more years in my lifespan. Then I think about those who died young, like this young man. It makes me feel foolish for wanting so many more years...as if I am taking more than my fair share or something. I know that isn't how it all works, but my emotions cannot be convinced of that logic right now.

So I will enter my next year of my forties in a few days, and I want to believe that I am at a beginning point with many years ahead of me. But right now, I'm feeling some doubt and mixed feelings about that. If I die before I accomplish my new goals, will I have died too young? Should I focus more on what I HAVE accomplished than what I still want to accomplish? Or should I just go for it, assuming the best and preparing for the worst? I think it would be preferable to live life thinking that there is so much more ahead of me than to live as if it is almost over. Times like these really cause reflection about some deep feelings and beliefs. I will continue to grieve for this mother and son, but I will also continue to look at life with a positive attitude and the belief that there is always more to do and experience. It isn't over until it's over...until then, keep going.