My 41st Birthday

Today I turned 41. It was a rather uneventful day--no big "pomp and circumstance" like last year. My family took me out to dinner, and I received a few cards and gift cards. I guess my birthdays will be rather boring for a while--that is, until I turn 50. I still feel good about being in my forties. I am very excited about my future plans. I am a bit frustrated with the delays I am experiencing regarding moving to Florida and becoming a full-time career woman. But I know that change is coming--it is right around the corner. All of the things I am waiting to do will all unfold in the upcoming year. By the time I reach my 42nd birthday, I hope to check off many things from my "to do list." So here's to being "forty-something." Anyone remember that show, "Thirtysomething"? I think we need more of those: "Fortysomething," "Fiftysomething," "Sixtysomething," etc. As Boomers and Gen Xers reach these milestones, their lives are going to look very different than previous generations. I think we should document these changes as much as possible, don't you? Happy Birthday to Me! :)

My Last Day at Forty Years Old

Tomorrow I will turn 41 years old--it just doesn't seem like as big of a transition as it was turning 40. I feel the need to look back over the past year to see how much I have changed and what I have accomplished. I also want to look at who I am today to see the person I have become. And finally, I want to look to the future to see if my goals and plans are still feasible and attainable. As I spend my final day as a forty-year-old woman, I want to be sure that my life is heading in the right direction. I want to begin taking small steps into the new life I am yearning to live. The transition is almost complete--I'm ready to fly with my new wings! :)


Looking back over this past year, I wanted to list the goals that I attained for myself and stay up-to-date on my progress. Some things I did that I had on my list of "things to do":
I began focusing on the future with a positive attitude--I was able to purge myself of things that I no longer needed and organize the things that I wanted to keep--I stayed current in my journals/photos/videos and blogs to document my life and my family's lives for posterity--I continued living a healthy lifestyle with diet and exercise and good health habits--I took good care of myself and put a concerted effort toward my appearance and refined my image--I completed graduate school and received my Masters Degree--I began planning for my future career and prepared for my transition into the working world--I sorted out the philosophical questions in my mind and began my search for answers to the meaning and direction of my personal life as an individual--I developed more confidence in myself and I began standing up for myself and speaking my mind even when in the face of opposition--I decided exactly who I really and truly was inside and who I really and truly want to be in the future (and I began transforming into that person)--I communicated my feelings with my family and let them know, with love, that life would soon be changing for ALL of us once I made my major changes--I spent a lot of quality time with my family and solidified the close bond we all have with each other--and I did everything I possibly could to help prepare myself and my family for a new stage in life and our major upcoming transition and move.


When I look at who I am today and compare this woman with the woman I USED to be--I barely recognize the "old me"! I have changed a lot--and not just my appearance!! I am definitely a more outspoken, liberated, independent woman now. The mousy girl I used to be--the one who just accepted things because of tradition and habit--that person no longer exists. Now, I am a strong woman who questions EVERYTHING--I accept NOTHING at face value. I am now a very progressive thinker--tradition has it's place, but it is NOT the basis for every life decision. Sometimes we have to put tradition behind us and move forward with new and different plans. I have done a LOT of that lately. People THOUGHT they knew me--they thought they could predict my feelings and beliefs about things--but that is no longer the case. Now, my answers, attitudes, and ways of thinking often surprise people who have known me for years. They definitely see that I am NOT the same person I was back then. I now use MY brain, MY conscience, and MY heart to make decisions about MY life--I no longer rely on the thoughts, teachings, or beliefs of others. I am my OWN person now! And I LOVE thinking for myself, even though it does cause more conflict with others who still believe in traditional ways. But I'm not backing down--my new beliefs and way of thinking are my own--I no longer hold on to the beliefs of others or take them as my own. I am a free-thinker and a free spirit! :)


Now, as I look to the future--I truly believe that I can and will achieve all of the goals that I set out to attain. I now believe in myself and my potential--I no longer let self-doubt tear down my dreams. Even when those doubts begin to surface, I fight them back with true empowerment. I CAN do anything I set out to do!! If others can do it, why not me? So this is how I am approaching the future--not, "I hope it will happen," but "It WILL happen"!! Sometimes the timing isn't exactly as I had planned--but it still CAN and WILL happen, even when on a different timetable. I am SO looking forward to the future!! Yes, it is a bit disappointing to experience the delay--I certainly thought I would be living my NEW life at this point in time. I did NOT expect to spend my 41st birthday in my "old life" and situation. But, so be it. A slight delay is NOT going to knock the whole plan off track. I can almost guarantee that everything WILL be in order and going strongly by the time my 42nd birthday arrives. Sure, life offers no guarantees--but I will continue on my path toward my goals--and if everything goes as planned, I will reach many more goals in the upcoming year. So here's to becoming "Forty-something"! :) I can no longer claim to be forty, but 41 just sounds a bit boring--so I think I will spend the next few years being "forty-something"--that is, until I hit FIFTY! :)


In regards to the blog and the idea behind 365 days or 52 weeks of photos. It wasn't easy keeping up with a weekly photo and entry--I really don't think I could amp that up to a daily one! And right now, I am in the middle of transitioning and moving. I will TRY to add things to document this transition and move, but I think I will relieve myself of the pressure of keeping up with a daily or weekly task. Yes, I want to continue to document all of these changes. I just don't want to make it fit a specific schedule. I think THIS blog is about my "midlife crisis" and all of the changes and transitions I am making in midlife. I will continue to add my thoughts and feelings about these issues when I feel the need. Once we move and begin our new lives in our new hometown, I will begin a blog about THAT life stage. This blog will be about the oddities of midlife--the other blog will be about my new life in Florida as a busy career woman and mother of two teenagers. I know that one day I will look back on ALL of my blogs and be glad that I documented my life during this stage. I want it to be fun--and even therapeutic--but I don't want blogging to ever feel like a burden to keep up-to-date. So goodbye, for now. I will be back as a 41 year old, and I will blog about any feelings I have regarding this strange stage between "Sex and the City" and "Golden Girls"--it's a wild ride, that's for sure! :)

52 Weeks: Week 52

Life is precious...and it is sometimes too short. As I approach my 41st birthday, I had the sad experience of attending the funeral of one of my teenage son's friends. He was only 17 years old, and he died in a terrible car accident. I knew his mother, and my heart aches for her...is there any greater pain than losing a child?

As we reflected on our own mortality, many thoughts crossed my mind. Sometimes I think that I have a long life ahead of me with plenty of time to do many wonderful things. I think of my 91 year old grandmother and feel encouraged about the longevity of life. Then something like this happens...and I think, life is SO short...I better do what I want to do NOW...post haste...seize the day...don't wait another minute.

Many thoughts are swirling through my mind right now. The most dominate thoughts are related to the shared experience of motherhood and how devastating it would be to lose a child at such a young age. I hugged my son and daughter tightly as we discussed our feelings. We haven't gotten past the "whys" of it all--it still seems SO unfair. As I watched my teens go about their busy lives the past few days, I focused intently on each and every detail with the thought that another mother will NEVER watch those things again with her son. I imagined what my life would be like in her shoes...I thought about all of the little things that would cease to occur if they were gone. Times like this make you truly appreciate the time you have with loved ones. Still, I can't help but feel somehow guilty as I watched my son and daughter do what her son cannot--why that family and not ours? I prayed that my family would stay safe, but I am sure she did, too. Oh, the unfairness of it all!!

I also have been focusing on the idea of an "average life span." Years ago, people my age were nearing the end of their lives because life spans were short. Now, there are more people living to 100 and beyond than ever before. I feel young and at an early point in my life span...I assume I will have at least 40 more years in my lifespan. Then I think about those who died young, like this young man. It makes me feel foolish for wanting so many more years...as if I am taking more than my fair share or something. I know that isn't how it all works, but my emotions cannot be convinced of that logic right now.

So I will enter my next year of my forties in a few days, and I want to believe that I am at a beginning point with many years ahead of me. But right now, I'm feeling some doubt and mixed feelings about that. If I die before I accomplish my new goals, will I have died too young? Should I focus more on what I HAVE accomplished than what I still want to accomplish? Or should I just go for it, assuming the best and preparing for the worst? I think it would be preferable to live life thinking that there is so much more ahead of me than to live as if it is almost over. Times like these really cause reflection about some deep feelings and beliefs. I will continue to grieve for this mother and son, but I will also continue to look at life with a positive attitude and the belief that there is always more to do and experience. It isn't over until it's over...until then, keep going.