Wish List

This may seem like a teenager's wish list, but it is mine! Yes, my teens also want the same products (of course, pink is the preferred color for my daughter...my son would prefer black or blue)--but when they ask for them, my answer is always that they can get it AFTER I do! You know, "Mom, I want an Ipod." Or "Mom, I want a Razr Phone." Answer: "I want one, too! If anyone gets one first, it will be me!" Not to be selfish, but I no longer want to shower them with gifts while denying myself some really cool things. Ideally, I'll be able to buy ALL of us these products one day. Once I finish school, get employed, and work my way up the corporate ladder, that is. Oh, the dreams that we can weave when thinking of the future!

The point I am making is this: advertisers and businesses that want to make money need to realize that the people with the money are usually in the previously ignored over 40 group. Look at younger people today---midlife parents are buying these products for both their teenagers and themselves, the 20-something group is largely deep in debt with school loans and many still live at home with their middle-aged parents while trying to afford just the necessities in life, and the 30-somethings are getting careers going while taking on things like their first mortgages and other expenses (so they don't have a lot of dispensible income right now). Looking at the older group of retirees on fixed incomes, many cannot afford these products nor do they want to purchase what my grandmother calls "new-fangled contraptions." Of course, there are some within each group defying these trends, but it is pretty accurate for the most part. So who has the money, and where are the most people with the money found---the huge demographic known as the Baby Boomers, and their younger siblings, Gen X. And they are parents of Gen Y, so the older group is buying products for themselves and the younger group. THAT is the largest and wealthiest demographic!

This also applies to things like television and film. We LOVE to watch television and good movies! Gear the content to us, and we will raise your ratings and box-office numbers through the roof! We will buy the products advertised IF they are marketed to US! We like the same music as our teens do, so include us when trying to reel in audiences and consumers of music. We are SO not like our parents! They hated our tv, movies, and music! We LOVE to watch good shows and films with our teens, and we LOVE to dance and jam to great music together! Our sportscars will be blaring the loud music, and you'll have to look twice to see who is driving--the parents or the teens! So keep all of this in mind as you decide which demographic fits your "target audience." If making money is the key, then bring it on! We are ready to spend it if the products are right!

The New Look of "40 and Over" Demographics

This is what "middle age" looks like now! As we enter our 40s, 50s, and 60s, we are going to show the world a whole new way to live. As Boomers and Gen Xers reach midlife, media and advertisers better get ready for us. No longer will they be concerned with reaching the younger demographics. No longer will they see the over 40 group as "old and set in their ways." We may not be young anymore, but we sure do act like we are! And we like a lot of the same things that our kids like, so they better try to get us to buy their products. We have the money, and we are a large demographic. And we LOVE to try new things! Our parents may be set in their ways, but not us! We THRIVE on adventure and change! So, to all media corporations who are planning their televison season, film schedule, and other media--if you want to make money, you better take a good luck at what WE like to spend our money on. We want to see shows and films that appeal to US. We want to read books and magazines that speak to our needs. And we will buy MANY products that you originally thought were geared toward younger people. We demand products and services that speak to US! And if you are smart, you will find out what we like and bend over backwards to try to provide it for us. If you want to make a lot of money, that is! It's our turn now! We are going to rock your world and turn it upside-down! All bets are off now--no more preconceived notions of what constitutes "The American Dream." That was the 20th century, and that was our parents' dreams. We are going to recreate what it means to be an American in the 21st century. You better get ready!

Patience is a Tough Virtue to Develop!

I used to find myself wanting to slow down time. I needed some extra time to soak in everything around me before it all passed by. Now I feel completely the opposite. I would love to speed time up and hurry toward the future. I am feeling very impatient these days.

When it comes to weight loss, it is working and I am being consistent, but it goes much slower than I would like. I want to wake up one morning and see a huge difference on the scale, but it only creeps down a pound or two every few days. And sometimes, it seems to stay the same or even go up a pound or so, even when I am doing all of the right things. It is so hard to wait, but I am determined to keep going until I reach my goal weight. I am not about to give up! I just hate that it takes so long. Plus, I really don't see a huge difference yet. I've lost a total of 15 pounds now, but I don't think I look very different. I have a long way to go. And I will continue, I just wish it would go faster. Much faster!

As to my other goals, my graduate school plans have also been extended. When looking back, I really am amazed at how fast everything seemed to go. But now, I am almost finished and suddenly, time began to squeak by again. I was hoping to finish by December, but it looks like I will need to stretch it out until May. Not a huge difference, but still...I am feeling impatient. I want to hurry up and get my degree in hand so that I can begin looking for jobs in my new career. I am so ready to get to work these days. I will be doing an internship in the fall, so I will get some hands-on experience in the "real world." But I am anxious to begin my new life as a career woman and put my life as a graduate student behind me. I guess I have the equivalent of "senior-itis"! I remember it well! Seniors eager to graduate and go into the world. I guess that's what this feeling is all about.

At home, I am surprised that my feelings regarding my kids growing up has changed so much. I went from crying about their upcoming teens to anxiously awaiting their graduations. I think my son was turning 10 when the sadness hit. I began to realize that their childhood was ending soon, and I became very sentimental. Everything was "the last"--the last time they would do certain things. He will be 14 soon, and my daughter will be 12. I have been through a major transition in the past few years. I went from "Do they have to grow up?" to "I wish they'd hurry up and grow up." Don't get me wrong--I love them very much and I am enjoying every last minute with them. But I am extremely nervous about what lies ahead during the high school years. I am remembering my own high school years. Lots of fun for me, but a heck of a ride for my parents. And now it is my turn. Sometimes I wish I could skip this stage! But I am trying to focus on the positive things about raising teenagers. They really are great kids--and I know they will become wonderful adults. They may not give me as hard of a time as I did my parents during my teen years--or maybe they will be worse. Honestly, it scares the heck out of me! So, I find myself wanting to hurry up through this stage so I can get to the next one--the one where I am free to do what I want to do. And they are also anxiously counting the years until that day. We all are anxiously awaiting our "Independence Day"--but we still love each other very much and are having a good time together. It's so hard to be patient sometimes!

So here is to clock-watching and calendar-counting: the daily chore of the impatient. Someone needs to tell those people (including myself) that time goes at a consistent pace throughout eternity. While it may seem to speed up or slow down, it really stays at a regulated pace. There are still 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, 365 days in a year, ... Funny how we KNOW that but still can't truly grasp that concept. Truth is: "As sand through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives." And I will sit here and watch every darn grain of sand as it passes through--sometimes admiring the beauty of each grain, and sometimes cursing the fact that there still are so many grains left to go. And one day, when the sand has all passed through, I know I will feel sadness and will be wishing that I could turn the hourglass over again. But sometimes we just can't do that. My goal is to take a closer look at some of those grains and try to memorize the details of its beauty before it is gone.

Looks Like Before and After Pictures in Reverse!

Me at My Best and Me at My Worst!

Doesn't even look like the same person--but I swear they are both me! If the woman on the right can get back ANY of that, then she will be very happy!

She certainly is trying!

Me, So Far--Summer 2006

This is me on vacation in Florida this summer, before losing the 11 pounds. Hair and make-up are better, but I still felt like a whale when on the beach! But surprisingly, there were only a few young, gorgeous girls putting me to shame there. It seemed that most of the women on the beach were at least as big as I was, and many were much bigger. Still, I have to admit that I miss those days of turning heads on the beach! I guess older women don't get that reaction much anymore, anyway--but if I had that body from my younger days...just maybe... At this point, though, it really isn't about what other people think--I want to look good FOR ME!! I really believe that when I look better, I feel better--especially regarding weight. Being light on my feet makes me feel much more energetic and full of life--and it HAS to be a healthier way to live. So--as Dory the fish in Nemo says--"Just Keep Swimming"! I intend to keep going until I have reached ALL of my personal goals. I guess weight loss, as well as improving my appearance, is my focus right now. But soon I will begin my final semester of graduate school, so that will take top priority in a few months. I sure hope I can remain motivated with my other goals at the same time!

More Transitioning--Some Weight Loss

I only dropped a few pounds at this point--at the beginning of 2006. Black is really slimming, so I wear it a lot! I don't want to look too Goth, though--not my style. I didn't do so well with weight loss in the spring, so by the time summer arrived, it was back on. Now that summer is well underway, I have dropped 11 pounds and still going. I have been very motivated lately. I wear a pedometer, walk 10,000 steps a day (sometimes more), eat very small and healthy meals, and only drink water. So far I have gone done one size in jeans and hope to go down one more in a few weeks. I tried on the two sizes down jeans--got them on, but with a LOT of pulling and prodding to get them zipped up! And they were way too tight to wear in public yet! But still--getting them on was a HUGE motivation to keep going until they fit well. And then keep going until THEY are too big! I am determined to do this and I will not give up!

Me In Transition

This one is from Mother's Day 2005--I am trying harder, but still working on weight issues. And I still need better hair and make-up. I felt better about myself as compared to 2003, but still--I want to resemble the pretty girl from the 80s! At least a little bit!

Then It Gets Ugly!--My Wake Up Call!

This was from Mother's Day 2003--I had a wonderful day with my kids, but I about died when I saw this picture! I look even fatter than I really was because of my wardrobe choice--and my hair and make-up are atrocious, not to mention that I didn't wear contacts for a while because of eye allergies. I HATE this picture of me, but posting it will help me compare the old me/current me--and hopefully continue to motivate me!

Me as a Young Mother

Not too terrible, but not as good as before kids--my looks I mean. My life was definitely better after having kids! :) I plunged myself into motherhood and ignored myself over the next several years.

The Old Me--My Motivation

This is what I USED to look like! I am trying to at least get that body back again! I have seen women 20 years older than me who have the body I had 20 years ago, so I know it isn't impossible. I may not ever look that young again, but I believe if I work hard enough, I can come close. Back then, I didn't work on it at all--it just happened. It's so unfair!

Redefining the Meaning of "Me"

I'm not sure how people do it--define themselves in a short, concise description. You know--like in those personal ads or short personal bios? They often write things like: fun-loving, attractive, compassionate...seeking same. Or they list their credentials and brag about professional success. It's not easy summarizing your whole persona in under 100 words!

And then there's the matter of the person we are NOW as opposed to the person we were just a few years ago. Most of us grow and change...a lot. Many of us wouldn't even recognize ourselves if our younger personalities met our more mature personalities. Even if we did, we probably wouldn't like each other very much. We would probably travel in completely different social circles, have very different tastes in fashion and style, and vehemently disagree with each other on almost every major life issue. The younger self would view the older self as "over the hill". The older self would view the younger self as naive and immature. And so begins the saga of coming to terms with our past selves and our present selves--as well as our future selves.

The Young Me---After spending some time looking at my old pictures, reading my old journals, and perusing my old scrapbooks, I am once again getting to know my younger self. She was kind of cute, but she was also one insecure chick. She was always worried about what other people thought about her. Even though she looked really good--God, what a figure!--she never felt beautiful. She always thought other girls were prettier and longed to be like them. Oh, if she only knew how her older self would CRAVE her looks and body! Maybe she would have realized that it would take more and more work to look good as she aged, and that the beauty of youth was a true blessing. She never really got that--she always felt less attractive than she was--and less confident about who she was, as well.

This lack of confidence spilled over in many areas, but none so much as in the dating arena. She had her first kiss at 14. Her first steady boyfriend in 9th grade. A few dates in 10th grade. But she always envied the girls who had many dates or always seemed to have boyfriends. When a boy persistently persued her in 11th grade, she was smitten. He was her boyfriend for the remainder of her high school years. She talked to her girlfriends less and less as she spent more and more time with her "high school sweetheart." When graduation came, this young couple began to discuss their future together.

Instead of setting big career goals and making college plans, she began making wedding plans. All she really cared about was getting married and starting a family. Soon, her dreams came true and she was a young married woman. Both she and her husband decided to complete their college degrees before starting a family. As soon as they both had degrees in hand, the baby-making began. There were a few early career explorations for her, but once she became pregnant, it was all about motherhood.

She LOVED being a mother to her two children--and she loved being a stay-at-home mother, too. She was as docile and domestic as she could be. She had no personal goals outside of being the best wife and mother possible. And she was happy. Really!

The More Mature Me--I have no regrets when looking back at my younger self--I have truly enjoyed my life so far. However, I do sometimes want to "talk some sense" into the young girl who wanted to grow up so fast. I want to ask her why she was in such a hurry! Why so young?! Couldn't she have pursued some personal goals before settling into this domestic life? Does she know about the adult life she missed out on while rushing into marriage and motherhood? Wouldn't it have been nice to experience true freedom and autonomy for a few years before compromising personal goals in favor of family goals? I would say, "Slow down, take it easy!"

So now I am entering midlife and getting closer to the end of my career of motherhood. And all I can think about now is reclaiming that freedom that I missed out on long ago. In some ways, I feel like a teenager again with a lot of opportunities available to me in the future. But I am definitely wiser and more confident than my younger self. Now my personal goals are finally getting my attention. I am no longer ignoring myself the way I used to do. For years, I really disappeared into my role as a mother, and I completely forgot about the woman inside. I only saw things from a mother's perspective, not a woman's perspective. But not anymore!

I spent some time looking at the woman I used to be, the woman I currently am, and the woman I hope to be one day. These women are truly three different people! And if I add the woman I would like to be as I near the end of my life, that would make four! Whether we call it life stages or simply consecutive lives, none of the stages resemble each other in any way. And the girl/woman I am in each stage is uniquely designed to fit a particular life stage. None of them would be happy in a different stage--they HAVE to change to fit the environment and circumstances. They all have to adapt their inner persona to match their surroundings.

The Future Me--Now that I have a grasp on who I want to be in my next life stage, I have set new personal goals for myself. Attending to these personal goals doesn't mean I am going to ignore my past goals, especially as a mother. It just means that I am no longer going to ignore my needs, my desires, my dreams. My son and daughter will get as much attention as they need in preparation for their adulthood. I won't be ignoring them in favor of myself. I will find ways to develop personal goals while helping them develop their own goals for themselves. It is kind of exciting to think that we are all preparing to fly away and make our own lives one day soon. They are approaching young adulthood with their whole lives ahead of them. I am approaching middle adulthood with MY whole life ahead of me. They may have a longer time frame to work with, but the excitement about the future, the feeling that we can do anything that we want to do--that transcends our chronological ages. We are all equally excited!

My new personal goals focus on both my inner self and my outer self, as well as the environment around me. I must admit a bit of vanity is included in some of these new goals. Truth is--I like the way my younger self looked, but something happened to her along the way. She gained weight, became "frumpy", and pretty much "let herself go". I hate to see pictures of myself during this stage! I took lots of great pictures of my beautiful children growing up, but I have very few pictures of myself during this stage. When I do come across one, I cringe and feel embarrassed. How could I have gone out of the house looking like that?! That can't be the same person as the pretty young girl in an older picture, can it? Oh my gosh--it is!! Yuck!

So some of my goals include things like: weight loss, hair and makeup changes, manicures/pedicures/spa treatments, and wardrobe changes. Other goals are more important, like better health care and making long-overdue doctor's appointments. And now I have true career goals--I am almost finished with graduate school and will soon have a masters degree in my new profession. I really look forward to building a new resume full of new work experiences. I have even planned goals to help me develop my inner self--spiritual goals, goals related to asserting myself as a feminist, and goals to help me build a strong self confidence. And finally, I have set goals regarding my lifestyle and environment--these include developing new interests and hobbies, developing an active social life, and changing my environment from a rural/suburban one to a more urban one. I have created a notebook with sections for each goal--I broke down the steps needed to accomplish each goal--and I am journaling about my progress as I strive to obtain each specific goal. It may seem a bit anal retentive, but this way I am taking myself seriously and I am really looking at these goals as serious business. I have every intention of reaching my new personal goals. I am motivated!

So, "me" now is very different from "me" then--and I hope to be a different "me" in the future. I like the idea of drastic changes--I find it very exciting! Some people feel comfortable with keeping things "status quo"--they fear change. Not me! I get very bored when things stay the same for too long. I just have to shake things up and get things moving when they get too stagnate. One day, I discovered that my life, and the current "me" had indeed stagnated--and I felt sick about it. So now I am in the process of shaking things up! This transformation, or metamorphosis, is not easy. It takes time and will not happen overnight. But the day I come out of my cocoon and spread my beautiful butterfly wings--WOW, what a day that will be! My son and daughter are deep into adolescence, so they are also experiencing a major metamorphosis. I can't wait to see the wonderful adults they become one day! And when we all are ready, we will all fly away, in our own directions, on our beautiful butterfly wings! :)

Cleansing, Purging, Starting Over

As I near the beginning of my "Second Adulthood," I find myself looking at my current life, and all of things in it, with a new perspective. Only a few years ago, I felt completely fulfilled when looking at my life. I had achieved all of the goals that I had set for myself at the beginning of my "First Adulthood." College, career, marriage, motherhood, dream house in the suburbs--I was feeling really good about everything. I actually got excited about decorating our family home and creating the perfect child-friendly environment. My favorite magazine was Family Fun, and every season and holiday was a reason to celebrate. I really enjoyed this stage in life--but then things began to change.

Maybe it was a mixture of changes instead of just one thing. First and foremost, my children grew up. They no longer enjoyed participating in the family traditions of their youth. They hit puberty, and almost every past tradition was outgrown. It was hard to let go of their youth at first, but later I found myself getting less and less excited about things, too. We all were ready to move on to the next stage in life. As they entered adolescence, I entered midlife--and I discovered that both stages in life require a complete transformation, or metamorphosis. For my kids, it was time to put away all of the things from childhood. For me, it was time to reevaluate my life. I discovered that I had outgrown many things that seemed to fit perfectly fine a few years ago--and I'm not only referring to my wardrobe.

Career--In my early adulthood, I was a teacher. I enjoyed it somewhat, but I saw it as a way to prepare for my ultimate career goal--Motherhood. Once I became pregnant, I ended my teaching career and focused totally on my life as a stay-at-home mother. Two kids and fourteen years later--I am ready for a career change!! I LOVED my life as a SAHM when my kids were young, but now I am dying to get back into the working world. Yet, I no longer have the desire to be a teacher. I am currently enrolled in graduate school, trying to prepare for a completely new career as a journalist/writer/editor. After my first semester, I knew that I had made the right choice. I threw out several boxes full of teaching materials that had been stored away for over a decade. I symbolically closed the book on my life as a teacher, and now I am beginning to embrace my new identity as a journalist and writer. My career goals have completely changed.

Home Life--For years, I was very domestic. I just wanted to create the perfect home and family environment for my children. This applied to every last detail, and I had reached what I thought was the pinnacle of life--the perfect home and life for my family. We have lived this "perfect suburban life" for several years now. The children truly have had a very nice childhood, and they have many special memories to take with them into adulthood. I have no regrets, but now I am wanting to live a completely different kind of life. I find myself feeling bored to tears in this environment. When we spend time in a more urban and exciting environment, I feel revived and invigorated. I am ready to leave the suburbs, along with all of the domesticity, and head to the city. I want to live in the middle of it all, and I know my teens agree. They used to love our wooded retreat, but now they yearn for the excitement of the city. It's funny how this perspective can really change through the years--I used to live in the city and dream of suburban/country living. Now I can't stand it and I'm ready to go back.

My Stuff--For years, I hovered over many things that represented "precious memories" to me. Now, all of a sudden, I find myself purging and dumping many things that I thought I could never part with. Some things were purchased just a few years ago--the "perfect thing" to go here or there. Now I can't stand it and can't wait to get rid of the "old stuff" and start fresh and new. I no longer like the same things that I used to think were wonderful. My tastes and styles are completely changing. I now look at my things with a new perspective--do I really want to take this item with me to my new life? Usually, the answer is no, and the item must go. I am preserving a few special memories--and ALL photos and scrapbooks--but nothing else.

I am now seeing my life from a completely new perspective. I now realize that there is another complete and total life ahead of me--one that in no way resembles my "past life." I am taking the concept of "starting over" VERY literally!! New life, new home, new style, new ME!!! It's SO exciting!! :)