Happy 2010!

Happy New Year! Welcome, 2010! I think it is going to turn out to be a wonderful year! :)

My 43rd Birthday at Disney World

I really enjoyed my birthday this year. I went to Disney World--Hollywood Studios!! I LOVE being a Floridian!! I LOVE being in my 40s!! I LOVE my life!! I am FINALLY happy!!! :)

We FINALLY Moved to Florida!!

I am way too busy these days to tell the whole long story...but it FINALLY worked out and we FINALLY moved to Florida in the spring of 2009!! We LOVE it here!!! I am SO happy!! Our dreams are FINALLY coming true!! :)

Real Life Confessions

OK--so when dealing with the internet, I am a bit paranoid. I try not to give out too much "real life information"--staying private and safe is very important to me. For example, Kate Ryan is not my real name--but, if I ever successfully become a published fiction writer, that is what I will choose as my "pen name". However, I am also trying to make contacts and connections with people, so being "fake" can hinder that process sometimes. I have been quite vague in this blog for a long time--I have mentioned Florida, but nothing much more specific than that. I have uploaded photos of myself, but not of my other family members. I created the blog to try to connect with other women who feel as I do, who are going through similar situations, etc. However, being SO anonymous has kind of prevented me from succeeding in this effort to connect with others. I may begin to share more personal information in the near future, but I still want to continue to be very cautious. I may soon be "getting real"--but not TOO real--I want to be connected with the right people and protected from the wrong ones. It can sometimes be tough to balance both of those efforts, but I will try!

I will continue to use the name Kate Ryan--and I think it would be ok to say that I chose this id in honor of my son's and daughter's names. Hopefully that won't give TOO much personal info away by saying that! I will say that we are currently living in Georgia--but I don't want to be too specific as to where. And I will say that we are trying to move to Orlando, Florida--and I hope that people from Orlando can help with advice about moving there and living there. My husband's job will HOPEFULLY end up transferring to Orlando in the near future, but there have been some MAJOR delays regarding that because of the economy. Even though he has been working in Orlando a LOT over the past few years, for now, they seem to need him more in Georgia--and they don't know if and when they will be able to officially transfer him to Orlando. So, it is up to me to begin the moving process--it is up to me to get a job and get the move started--it is up to me to find a place to live and get my teens registered at their new schools--and hopefully my husband will be able to FINALLY get the house sold and FINALLY get his job transferred to Orlando soon after the rest of us get settled there.

There are some other details about our life that I'm just not quite ready to share yet. Let's just say that there are some special needs that we have that need to be attended to, and it isn't easy to make that happen. However, when a family member needs something very unique and specific, most people are willing to do just about anything to help them gain access to resources that will help them. Our move to Florida is based on meeting special needs of one or more of our family members. I may share more later, but that is enough about that for now.

As for my career goals: I think I can be more specific and still be safe. Basically, my bachelors degree was in elementary education, I was a teacher for a few years, then I became a full-time mother, then I returned to graduate school and completed a masters degree in writing/journalism/communications. Since graduating with my masters degree in the spring of 2007, I have been attempting to begin a new career in a new field as I conduct my job search in Florida. I have some big dreams regarding where I can take my new career in the future--I really would love to find a way to use my degree in writing/communications with a media and entertainment company. One of the biggest and best media and entertainment corporations is: The Walt Disney Company! My "dream job" would be to work my way up through the ranks of the corporate world via Disney. If we are moving to Orlando, what better place to begin this process than: Walt Disney World! I have applied for many jobs all over Orlando, but my heart is definitely set on working for Disney. I have been trying to find a way in the "Disney door" for over two years now and I have not had much luck: until now!

Over the past two years, I have applied for many different positions at Disney--many were actually in the Communications Department and would have been exactly where I would LOVE to be! However, I never received any responses about those positions. I think Disney really wants to promote internally more than hire new people, so I am assuming that people within the company probably were put into many of those positions. And the fact that I don't have a lot of experience working in that particular field to date may also have bumped me out of the running for some of the higher level positions. Last year, I actually received a few calls about internships within that department, but the fact that 9 months had passed since my graduation date(with my masters degree) kept me from qualifying for internships for students or recent graduates--in other words, I was "overqualified" because I was not still in school or a very recent graduate. I was steered toward the professional jobs, which is good, but I was not getting any responses about any jobs even though I applied for many. This went on and on for about two years--I was beginning to think that my chances of working for Disney were very slim and just weren't going to work out as I had hoped.

I continued to check the Disney jobs site daily and applied whenever something seemed appropriate, but I never heard from Disney and I guess I began to give up on that dream. In the meantime, I decided that I was going to have to go back into my previous career as a teacher to gain employment--I did the paperwork for Florida teacher certification, I registered with some of the school district web sites, and I began applying for teaching positions. I still continued to apply for jobs in my NEW career field, but I began to think that I would have to go back to teaching in order to just get ANY career established in this tough economy. I heard on the news that there are three areas that should survive the recession: healthcare, education, and government. I have NO training in healthcare, I didn't see a LOT of options with government jobs in Orlando(but still a possibility), but I DO have experience in education--so I began to think that I would just need to focus on that for now and follow my "dream career" later when the economy improved.

Then, out-of-the-blue and completely unexpected: I FINALLY got a call from Disney!! My experience in education ended up leading me to Disney more than my masters in writing/communication did! I will be going to Disney World in a few weeks to interview for a position with the educational programs department. Essentially, I could use my teaching skills to work at Disney World! Even though I was HOPING to steer my career into a new direction, I may be going "back to the classroom" so to speak in order to finally make a connection to Disney. Even though this is only a part-time position, I think(or hope!) that somehow I could begin making connections that would allow me to add more part-time positions, add hours by covering for other people's shifts, and eventually be able to move up through the ranks to a full-time position in the future. I am looking forward to being a teacher in a fun Disney environment! :) It will be VERY different than working full-time in a regular classroom! And maybe I can add more hours during the week by working other part-time positions at Disney--I heard that there is an Intranet system that Cast Members(employees) can use, and I also heard that Disney prefers to promote internally rather than hire new people. So, the key to eventually moving up within Disney(and yes, it will probably take a LONG time!) is to start SOMEWHERE--that "gets you in" and gives you access to information that you would not have access to otherwise. If nothing else, working at Disney part-time helps you make connections and contacts that would not be available to you otherwise either. I am really looking forward to going to Disney World soon for my interview! I am feeling confident about things--I know that I am a good teacher and I work very well with kids and teenagers, so I feel confident about my ability to do this job--basically, I am just SO excited about FINALLY scheduling an interview! :) I certainly hope that everything works out and that I can FINALLY begin making the "Disney connections" that I have dreamed of for so long!

Everyone in our extended family is very supportive of our efforts to move to Florida. They all agree that it would be the best place for our family(resources to meet our special needs). My grandmother died last year at the age of 92--she was well aware of our special needs and wanted so much to help us find a way to make things better. She left a substantial inheritance to her children and grandchildren--not a LOT when divided up, but enough to help some of us through some tough times. My family agrees that she would want us to use our portion to move to Florida and make this all work out, so that is what we plan to do soon. My husband still feels the need to stay here in Georgia until he can make a lateral transfer to Florida--and until we sell the house! So, my two teenagers and myself may be heading down to Orlando in the next few weeks. We will probably rent temporary housing until we get everything more settled. I will probably be working part-time at first with the hopes of moving up to full-time in the near future. My teenagers will soon end third quarter at their schools here and it seems that enrolling in their schools in Florida for fourth quarter will work out okay. Times will be tough for a while, but hey--we'll finally be in Florida! It won't be exactly as we had planned, but it will work for a while. And hopefully we can transition into a more permanent situation within a few months--our plan is to live in Orlando for at least 4 or 5 years(when both teens graduate and we are ready for more big changes). It is kind of scary to make a really big move when you feel that you don't have ALL of your "ducks in a row"--but if we wait, we may never do it! We have a chance to go now--we should do it and find a way to MAKE it work! Wish us luck! :)

I Am 42 Now, And Life Is NOT Good!

This isn't even a very recent photo, but I haven't taken any photos of myself in a long time, so it will have to do. I guess I was actually about 41 and a half--no pics from 42 so far. I am now 42 years and 2 months old--and I am NOT feeling good about myself right now. As 2008 comes to a close, all I can think is: what a bad year it was for my family! It truly sucked! The crash of the housing market = STILL trying to sell our house! The crash of the economy and job market = STILL trying to find employment in Florida so that we can move there! Add to that things like: more than one health crisis, more than one death in the family, more than one financial crisis, more than one emotional crisis, etc....I honestly don't know HOW we survived this year!! But, we did--I guess I should be very grateful for that. But I have to say that we did NOT survive unscathed or unharmed. I know that some day we will see that our struggling and suffering made us stronger, but for now...it just sucked! I am having a very hard time finding the positives in the midst of all of the negatives.

So, as 2008 comes to a close, I am mostly feeling: GOOD RIDDANCE! What a bad year! I can only hope and pray that 2009 turns out to be a much better one for us. It can't get much worse, so I guess there is no where to go but up--at least I hope! PLEASE, 2009, PLEASE bring us some GOOD news...PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP!! I will resort to begging at this point!!

All I can say is this: I HOPE to be back in this blog with GOOD news throughout the upcoming year. I HOPE to document things such as: selling our house(and making SOME money off of it instead of owing money!), good jobs for both my husband and I in Florida(PLEASE! Someone PLEASE see what assets we would be to your companies!), FINALLY making the move to Florida(after about 2 years of trying!), getting my two teenagers settled into good schools(they know EXACTLY where they want to be if they could just GET there!), reaching weight loss goals AGAIN(yep--depression DOES cause weight gain!!), and just a generally happy life in our NEW lives that we have been trying desperately to start for so long!! I know..life is happening right now...but right now, life kind of sucks! I just want our lives to be BETTER in 2009!!

So that is my pitiful little update. I hope to be back here some day soon with GOOD news. The bad news is just too depressing to document!!

My 41st Birthday

Today I turned 41. It was a rather uneventful day--no big "pomp and circumstance" like last year. My family took me out to dinner, and I received a few cards and gift cards. I guess my birthdays will be rather boring for a while--that is, until I turn 50. I still feel good about being in my forties. I am very excited about my future plans. I am a bit frustrated with the delays I am experiencing regarding moving to Florida and becoming a full-time career woman. But I know that change is coming--it is right around the corner. All of the things I am waiting to do will all unfold in the upcoming year. By the time I reach my 42nd birthday, I hope to check off many things from my "to do list." So here's to being "forty-something." Anyone remember that show, "Thirtysomething"? I think we need more of those: "Fortysomething," "Fiftysomething," "Sixtysomething," etc. As Boomers and Gen Xers reach these milestones, their lives are going to look very different than previous generations. I think we should document these changes as much as possible, don't you? Happy Birthday to Me! :)

My Last Day at Forty Years Old

Tomorrow I will turn 41 years old--it just doesn't seem like as big of a transition as it was turning 40. I feel the need to look back over the past year to see how much I have changed and what I have accomplished. I also want to look at who I am today to see the person I have become. And finally, I want to look to the future to see if my goals and plans are still feasible and attainable. As I spend my final day as a forty-year-old woman, I want to be sure that my life is heading in the right direction. I want to begin taking small steps into the new life I am yearning to live. The transition is almost complete--I'm ready to fly with my new wings! :)


Looking back over this past year, I wanted to list the goals that I attained for myself and stay up-to-date on my progress. Some things I did that I had on my list of "things to do":
I began focusing on the future with a positive attitude--I was able to purge myself of things that I no longer needed and organize the things that I wanted to keep--I stayed current in my journals/photos/videos and blogs to document my life and my family's lives for posterity--I continued living a healthy lifestyle with diet and exercise and good health habits--I took good care of myself and put a concerted effort toward my appearance and refined my image--I completed graduate school and received my Masters Degree--I began planning for my future career and prepared for my transition into the working world--I sorted out the philosophical questions in my mind and began my search for answers to the meaning and direction of my personal life as an individual--I developed more confidence in myself and I began standing up for myself and speaking my mind even when in the face of opposition--I decided exactly who I really and truly was inside and who I really and truly want to be in the future (and I began transforming into that person)--I communicated my feelings with my family and let them know, with love, that life would soon be changing for ALL of us once I made my major changes--I spent a lot of quality time with my family and solidified the close bond we all have with each other--and I did everything I possibly could to help prepare myself and my family for a new stage in life and our major upcoming transition and move.


When I look at who I am today and compare this woman with the woman I USED to be--I barely recognize the "old me"! I have changed a lot--and not just my appearance!! I am definitely a more outspoken, liberated, independent woman now. The mousy girl I used to be--the one who just accepted things because of tradition and habit--that person no longer exists. Now, I am a strong woman who questions EVERYTHING--I accept NOTHING at face value. I am now a very progressive thinker--tradition has it's place, but it is NOT the basis for every life decision. Sometimes we have to put tradition behind us and move forward with new and different plans. I have done a LOT of that lately. People THOUGHT they knew me--they thought they could predict my feelings and beliefs about things--but that is no longer the case. Now, my answers, attitudes, and ways of thinking often surprise people who have known me for years. They definitely see that I am NOT the same person I was back then. I now use MY brain, MY conscience, and MY heart to make decisions about MY life--I no longer rely on the thoughts, teachings, or beliefs of others. I am my OWN person now! And I LOVE thinking for myself, even though it does cause more conflict with others who still believe in traditional ways. But I'm not backing down--my new beliefs and way of thinking are my own--I no longer hold on to the beliefs of others or take them as my own. I am a free-thinker and a free spirit! :)


Now, as I look to the future--I truly believe that I can and will achieve all of the goals that I set out to attain. I now believe in myself and my potential--I no longer let self-doubt tear down my dreams. Even when those doubts begin to surface, I fight them back with true empowerment. I CAN do anything I set out to do!! If others can do it, why not me? So this is how I am approaching the future--not, "I hope it will happen," but "It WILL happen"!! Sometimes the timing isn't exactly as I had planned--but it still CAN and WILL happen, even when on a different timetable. I am SO looking forward to the future!! Yes, it is a bit disappointing to experience the delay--I certainly thought I would be living my NEW life at this point in time. I did NOT expect to spend my 41st birthday in my "old life" and situation. But, so be it. A slight delay is NOT going to knock the whole plan off track. I can almost guarantee that everything WILL be in order and going strongly by the time my 42nd birthday arrives. Sure, life offers no guarantees--but I will continue on my path toward my goals--and if everything goes as planned, I will reach many more goals in the upcoming year. So here's to becoming "Forty-something"! :) I can no longer claim to be forty, but 41 just sounds a bit boring--so I think I will spend the next few years being "forty-something"--that is, until I hit FIFTY! :)


In regards to the blog and the idea behind 365 days or 52 weeks of photos. It wasn't easy keeping up with a weekly photo and entry--I really don't think I could amp that up to a daily one! And right now, I am in the middle of transitioning and moving. I will TRY to add things to document this transition and move, but I think I will relieve myself of the pressure of keeping up with a daily or weekly task. Yes, I want to continue to document all of these changes. I just don't want to make it fit a specific schedule. I think THIS blog is about my "midlife crisis" and all of the changes and transitions I am making in midlife. I will continue to add my thoughts and feelings about these issues when I feel the need. Once we move and begin our new lives in our new hometown, I will begin a blog about THAT life stage. This blog will be about the oddities of midlife--the other blog will be about my new life in Florida as a busy career woman and mother of two teenagers. I know that one day I will look back on ALL of my blogs and be glad that I documented my life during this stage. I want it to be fun--and even therapeutic--but I don't want blogging to ever feel like a burden to keep up-to-date. So goodbye, for now. I will be back as a 41 year old, and I will blog about any feelings I have regarding this strange stage between "Sex and the City" and "Golden Girls"--it's a wild ride, that's for sure! :)

52 Weeks: Week 52

Life is precious...and it is sometimes too short. As I approach my 41st birthday, I had the sad experience of attending the funeral of one of my teenage son's friends. He was only 17 years old, and he died in a terrible car accident. I knew his mother, and my heart aches for her...is there any greater pain than losing a child?

As we reflected on our own mortality, many thoughts crossed my mind. Sometimes I think that I have a long life ahead of me with plenty of time to do many wonderful things. I think of my 91 year old grandmother and feel encouraged about the longevity of life. Then something like this happens...and I think, life is SO short...I better do what I want to do NOW...post haste...seize the day...don't wait another minute.

Many thoughts are swirling through my mind right now. The most dominate thoughts are related to the shared experience of motherhood and how devastating it would be to lose a child at such a young age. I hugged my son and daughter tightly as we discussed our feelings. We haven't gotten past the "whys" of it all--it still seems SO unfair. As I watched my teens go about their busy lives the past few days, I focused intently on each and every detail with the thought that another mother will NEVER watch those things again with her son. I imagined what my life would be like in her shoes...I thought about all of the little things that would cease to occur if they were gone. Times like this make you truly appreciate the time you have with loved ones. Still, I can't help but feel somehow guilty as I watched my son and daughter do what her son cannot--why that family and not ours? I prayed that my family would stay safe, but I am sure she did, too. Oh, the unfairness of it all!!

I also have been focusing on the idea of an "average life span." Years ago, people my age were nearing the end of their lives because life spans were short. Now, there are more people living to 100 and beyond than ever before. I feel young and at an early point in my life span...I assume I will have at least 40 more years in my lifespan. Then I think about those who died young, like this young man. It makes me feel foolish for wanting so many more years...as if I am taking more than my fair share or something. I know that isn't how it all works, but my emotions cannot be convinced of that logic right now.

So I will enter my next year of my forties in a few days, and I want to believe that I am at a beginning point with many years ahead of me. But right now, I'm feeling some doubt and mixed feelings about that. If I die before I accomplish my new goals, will I have died too young? Should I focus more on what I HAVE accomplished than what I still want to accomplish? Or should I just go for it, assuming the best and preparing for the worst? I think it would be preferable to live life thinking that there is so much more ahead of me than to live as if it is almost over. Times like these really cause reflection about some deep feelings and beliefs. I will continue to grieve for this mother and son, but I will also continue to look at life with a positive attitude and the belief that there is always more to do and experience. It isn't over until it's over...until then, keep going.